Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The Planet Of The Goats

One would think that with my Italian heritage I would favor certain toppings on my pizza; like peperoni, sausage and lots of mozzarella cheese. But the best pizza I ever had was in Sweden; a goat cheese and basil pizza that just rocked. Since that time I have been a very big fan of goat cheese dishes.

But my obsession with this creamy cheese delight has lulled me to sleep as to the danger of the animals that are responsible for its creation. Goats!! The most vicious animal on the planet and they are flying under the radar by using their cute young as camouflage.

These killers are secretly planning to usurp the status humans presently hold. Slowly they lull us to sleep with recipes like Rigatoni with eggplant, mushrooms and Goat cheese with Asparagus quesadillas. My stomach rumbles at these tempting dishes.

But I know their plan. First they will get us hooked on these delectable dishes then they will start denying them to us after we are hooked. The prices will rise and many of the addicted will turn to crime to support their goat cheese habit. There will be prisons filled with goat cheese lovers leaving the human young alone and unprotected.

First they will attack infrastructure and transportation cutting off our means of escape.


We will start to see them carry firearms openly in defiance of our laws.

Finally the religious radicals among them will openly practice pagan rituals that have been hidden for many years.

This will be continued until they control the planet and humans are forced to produce Human Cheese that the goats will consume at their pagan rituals.

The next scream you hear will not be that of a goat, as so many are touting , but that scream you hear will be that of the human race as it is usurped into extinction.

On Second Life goats will have gestures that say, "Screams Like A Human", and they will all laugh in unison at the pathetic state of humanity.


Monday, April 28, 2014

Dieting Makes Me Feel Sad And Unsatisfied

Much research has been done on dieting an the onset of depression. It makes sense to me as dieters are depriving themselves of things they love and replacing them with things that are good for your body but not necessarily satisfying.

Sitting at my kitchen table with a big juicy cheeseburger, fries and a non diet soft drink is much more satisfying than sitting in front of a big heaping plate of lettuce and cottage cheese. I am told that I need to do diet so I can regain the boyish figure of my youth. News flash kiddies~I Never Had A Boyish Figure In MY Youth!!!

A new study, by The Onion, has concluded that “The data indicates that people who eat large amounts of red meat and saccharides have, on average, markedly shorter and more satisfying life spans,” said the lead author, Aubrey Schrader, adding that frequent ingestion of animal protein, chocolate, and sweetened snacks and beverages lowered the average age of onset of diabetes, heart disease, and cancer for those who take pleasure in their daily existence.“

“Evidence from our study suggests that diets rich in prime rib, pulled pork, strawberry cheesecake, flank steak, and Snickers bars were directly related to younger ages at death among men and women who embraced their life and made the absolute most of their time on earth. Moreover, these individuals appeared to exhibit a greater peace in dying, able to pass on without any regrets in their lives whatsoever.” The study also revealed that the loved ones of those who passed away prematurely and contented were typically far better suited to handle their grief due to their high levels of alcohol consumption."

This all makes perfect sense to me. Your choice is between eating what ever you want and enjoying your life to its fullest, albeit a shorter life, or eating never ending dishes of vegetables, seeds, grains and fruits and living a long miserable depressed life until your retirement income runs out and you die in a nursing home that smells of old people urine and flatulence.

So my friends put your fork down and back away from that salad and join me for a satisfying meal at one of our fine fast food establishments.

My birthday party, in August, will consist of platters of juicy cheese burgers and milk shakes served with endless fries that come to the table with a fountain of ketchup for dipping.

Oh and one salad with some grilled chicken for that skinny depressed cousin who never listens to anything I say, lol.


PS...Please remember that I write fiction, lol.

Friday, April 25, 2014

My Anniversary Of Sorts

A lonely traveler moving silently through the narrow passages looking for a resting place. The journey has been long and has taken years to complete. The final phase of the journey passed through small chambers that slowed it down but did not stop its progress. Finally coming to rest in a large pulsing quadrant where it blocked the flow of essential life functions. This parasite weakened its host rendering it functionless. The hosts movements were restricted by the loss of essential nutrients needed to function.

The host lost consciousness before help arrived. But the parasite continued to drain the life out of the host rendering it unable to answer questions or regain consciousness for more than a few precious seconds at a time. The host knew that this was it. He was on deaths door as everything grew black and life started to slip away.

I woke up a few hours later to a bevy of nurses, doctors and a crying daughter looking down at me. All sorts of machines and tubes attached to my body. Oxygen being forced into my lungs through a mask that could have been borrowed from NASA.

That was a year ago. The day a blood clot traveled from my left leg, through my heart and settled itself into my lung cutting off my oxygen supply.

The paramedics said that I some how managed to call 911 and walk to the door and unlock it so they could get in to help me. I do not remember doing any of that.

I am very lucky to be around after that episode. Had I not been able to call 911; I would have died unconscious and alone.

I have always had this fear of dying alone. Well truthfully the alone part is not what bothers me. It's the not being discovered for days part that scares the crap out of me. I know that for me it would not matter as I would be dead and would have no feelings one way or the other. But for those that I would leave behind the thought of dear old dad dead in his recliner for an extended period would be hard on them.

There are so many times when I should have died during my lifetime. The military and my stupid acts of random insanity certainly afforded me ample opportunity but I was never alone. But those times were different. Death would have been fairly quick leaving little time to ponder it. Last year I laid there with time to think about what was happening to me. I had time to let thoughts about my children run through my mind. I vaguely remember tears as those thoughts engulfed me.

I also remember, as I lost consciousness, acceptance. I think I had actually let myself go.

Yet here I sit a year latter in better shape than a year ago albeit through a crap load of medications. I feel good but most of all I feel lucky. Lucky to be alive. Lucky to have a roof over my head and food on my table.

Lucky that God has given me more time to try and make up for my life's failures. More time with my children who in the scheme of things are my greatest accomplishments.

There is not much I can not handle these days. Kiddies enjoy what you have and be grateful for it. Enjoy your families and friends to the fullest. Every day is precious so use each day wisely.

Make sure that you make those around you smile every day. Especially on your last day. That way you can carry that smile to heaven with you.

When old Saint Peter asks, "Why are you smiling?', you will be able to tell him how great your life was.


Monday, April 21, 2014

The Second Life Stalker, Pervert, Pig

"A woman is not an object. She is not something; she is someone. You treat a woman with respect. She is not your toy. She does not owe you anything just because you are a man. When she comes to you for comfort you listen to her; you do not make a move on her. Grow up and start treating women how they deserve to be treated", Unknown.

Some men have no idea how to approach a woman. They believe that women are there for their pleasure and for no other reason. These same men sit around wondering why they are alone every night when the geek down the street has a girl friend.

Second life is no different than real life with one great exception. The cloak of enmity seems to give some men licence to act toward women in perverted and obscene ways.

I am going to use and example here but will not use this so called man's real Second Life name as I would not want to offend his sensibilities. But those who know me will know exactly who I am talking about, lol.

Lets call this perverted lump of manhood Piggy.

This poor excuse for a man finds it amusing to write lewd instant messages to women telling them what he wants to do with them sexually. When confronted by another person about this behavior he finds what he has done funny. Personally I find it the act of a very sick human.

Where, in some one's upbringing were they taught that this behavior is acceptable? What is worse is that people, who find out about this behavior, do not confront the individual. I hear excuses like. "he is foreign and does not know better". BULLSHIT!! I know men in other cultures show respect for women. Especially Europeans.

How can a man treat a woman like that and still have respect for his own mother. Or daughter for that matter.

I happen to be in an Second Life group with this person. Good people are alienated out of group participation because of this behavior.

I know that Piggy will never read this but maybe it will give some other man pause to consider their own behavior.

As for Piggy; I vow to find ways to make his life as miserable as I can possibly make it. I will complain loudly every time he slips up in group. I will instant message every woman I see him with and inform them of his behavior.

I will find a way to drive this neanderthal back into his cave to huddle around the fire alone, cold and with only the companionship of his imaginary friends and Mary Palm and her five sisters.


Thursday, April 17, 2014

A Contest I Do Not Want To Win

"The Lion with small penis must compensate with mighty roar", Unknown.

Publishers Clearing House gets a big yes from me. So does winning the lottery. But Kings County Bar in Brooklyn, NY, the city of my birth, is holding a 'smallest penis contest' and I want no part of it, lol. I am terrified I would win.

Per a media release, contestants will be judged in multiple categories, including "poise in both evening wear and bathing wear." In addition to a cash prize (which can optionally be donated to charity), a "wee crown and scepter" will be awarded to the less-endowed man best exhibiting "extraordinary heart, talent, and chutzpa."


The crown is small and the scepter is a magnifying glass. No Thank YOU!!

It would take a man with amazing self confidence to participate. I would not count myself within that category. An enormous ego, which I do possess, might get you through but I fear that ego would be crushed if you actually lost.

It is said, by those in the small penis community, that size does not matter or that it is how you stir the pot not the size of the spoon that matters. HMMM!! Have you ever stirred a pot with a tea spoon when the guy next to you is stirring it with a boat paddle?

If you happen to be in Brooklyn on June 14th stop by Kings County Bar and see the fun. I wont be there, lol.

Now how does this penis enlarging gizmo work?


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

On The Eighth Day God Made Walmart

"When your dead you don't know your dead. The same is true for stupid people", Washedup Sideways.

Yes on the eighth day(back in pre biblical times there were 8 days in a week but the eighth day was dropped so God could deny that he had made stupid people) God made Walmart so stupid people had a place to hang out. Walmart is like the Serengeti of grazing stupid people. It is also a place where I can go study the species 'Stupido Sapian'. It's a fun study. Especially on Saturday night when stupidity is out in force.

Mark Twain was so right. A political discussion with a stupid person is a fruitless exercise in futility that will crush your brain cells and have them waving a white flag while begging for mercy from an infestation of fact less, baseless and idiotic statements.

I define a stupid person as one that is ill informed or acts in a manner that is so unconventional that it goes against the grain of reasonable thought. It has nothing to do with intelligence. In my mind there is no correlation between lack of intelligence and stupidity. A person who lacks a quality education can make up their deficits with good solid common sense. Conversely an intelligent person, who lacks a grasp of common sense, can look foolish at times. Actually I have fallen into this category.

But there is that segment of every population that acts outside of the norm not to be a trend setter but rather a nuisance. As Washedup Sideways said, many stupid people wander about clueless to their state of stupidity. We have raised a generation who believe that John Stewart and Stephen Colbert are serious journalists and not comedians. Even when you point out that their shows appear on The Comedy Channel they still hold them up as journalists.

I have seen fights in Walmart over Black Friday sales, people show up in their pajamas to shop and twenty people pile out of a van do do the weekly grocery shopping with one shopping cart. I have seen states of dress that astound me. Behavior of both adults and children that is outrageous. Last week I heard two members of the Stupido Sapians species discussing how almond were squeezed to make milk. I was waiting for one of them to ask, 'How do they milk a soy bean?'.

I know I find my entertainment in strange ways but just think; watching this behavior is free and there are always snacks available.

When I go to Walmart I always see the woman on the left when I really want to see the one on the right. I had no idea they made fishnet body suits, lol.


Tuesday, April 15, 2014


"The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish", Charlie Chaplin.

I have been watching reports about life inside of North Korea. It is amazing that in the 21st century we still have people living under the thumb of a crazed dictator. Kim Jong-un grows fat while his people starve. Many toil away in concentration camps because they disagree with his tactics. But not only those who disagree with him suffer. The families of those that stand up to him suffer too.

Dictator is defined as a person exercising absolute power, especially a ruler who has absolute, unrestricted control in a government without hereditary succession, a ruler who is not effectively restricted by a constitution, laws, recognized opposition, an absolute, esp tyrannical, ruler. Well Kim Jong-Idiot certainly fits those descriptions.

But I have another description and spelling of dictator.

Living under the thumb of a dictator is bad enough but living under the 'sack' of a dicktater has to be horrifying. Talk about starving. The droppings served up by a dicktater have to be down right inedible, lol.
Becoming a dicktater is a slow process achieved only after the words we think we want to hear are used to work their way into the crevices of our lives. Engulfing us in a sense of security right before we are ravaged by a dicktaters's wanton need to dominate us. Promises of a 'land of milk and honey' soon turn to pain and a quest for KY Jelly.
But even as bad as a dicktater is; I am sure the people of North Korea would happily trade Kim Jong-un for any dicktater. Especially a big one.
There is more food in that dicktater than many North Koreans have seen in years.

Monday, April 14, 2014

You Never Learn To Appreciate Good Without Pain

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat", Theodore Roosevelt

The pain of any loss, no matter what form that loss takes, is difficult for us to handle. Especially if we have never experienced loss before. The teenage girl or boy suffering over the loss of their first significant other is a prime example of this phenomenon. They suffer because they do not understand what loss is and that in time we get over it. Or at least we learn to handle it.

I never understood loss until my father passed away at the young age of 49. It was devastating to me and my entire family. It changed the course of all our lives and took years for us to learn to live without him. To this day, some 44 years later, I still ask myself “What would Dad do in this situation?”.

I truly believe that the good in our lives is much more appreciated when we have felt the pain of loss of failure. Once I knew what loss felt like I was able to appreciate little things; little victories.

We tend to find things to replace our losses. When I lost my father, who was my rudder, I found a new rudder in God’s prophet Buddha. Through meditation and thought I was able to develop the skills to handle my losses, and there have been many, without going through excessive pain. Little things gave me pleasure and joy.

Squirrels playing in the trees during the early mornings, gave me as much joy as wining awards. The feel of butterflies on my skin during my morning meditations in the butterfly garden was an amazing sensation. These are little things that I could turn to for comfort during the bad times. They, and many others, allow me to start my day off on a good path.

None of that would be possible had I not learned what loss feels like.

We have fallen into a mode of protecting our children from learning the feeling of losing things. We have instituted games where the score is not tallied or where everyone gets a trophy just for showing up. Then we let our well protected progeny out into the world ill prepared to handle rejection or failure. They get to college where they are not under mom and dad’s protection and can not handle the failure that is inevitable. Everyone fails at some point. Whether in relationships, class grades or our jobs not every thing is a cake walk.

I was one of those protected children and I understand how my parents coddling left me without the tools to handle my failures. It took the military to teach me those lessons. They were hard to learn but learn them I did.

You can not prepare your children for success unless you prepare them for failure. Let them fail. Let them lose the game. Then put your arm around them, hug them, console them and toss them a life saver candy. They will be better for it.

Otherwise you will arrive for a visit, when they are living alone in their twenties, and discover them in the fetal position unable to function because life just served them a lemon.


Saturday, April 12, 2014

My New Roommate~~Such A Joy

"I have the best roommates in the world! It creates a fun sense of family... and that's really important to me. Things can get so lonely without it", Kristen Bell.

I have a new roommate and I love him. Yes I said HIM. He is soft and cuddly. He does not eat much but enjoys every thing I prepare. He is always smiling and greets me when ever I return home.

He has a tail but it never wags. His eyes rarely close and he is always on alert protecting me. He is brown and white and laughs at all my jokes. He never judges me.

He says I am not fat but rather pleasingly plump. He likes to ride in the car and is great at watching out for cars in my blind spot.

He can not walk and needs to be carried every where but he is very light. He does not poop, pee, pass gas or complain about anything.

His name is Felix and he is sexy in his own right. He is named after Felix The Cat from the old animated X-Rated movies. Girls drool over him and he is a magnet for women.

He critiques my writing and praises my genius, lol.

Meet Felix; My new sock monkey.

Cee sent him to me to keep me company and he fits the bill perfectly. I do not have room for a cat or dog but Felix fills in very well. No liter box, no walks waiting for some action and no extra food. He eats what every I eat. Pasta is his favorite but he does get messy with the sauce. He needs a bath after every spaghetti dinner, lol.

He is one of the best roommates I have ever had. He never complains about television shows, he is clean, tidy and cleans up after himself and most importantly he always agrees with me.

Life is good!!!


Friday, April 11, 2014

How Do You Spell Relief?~~A Fart Walk Of Course

Picture a family sitting around a dinner table enjoying a Mexican inspired meal or a corn beef and cabbage dish. Desert is served and coffee has been enjoyed. Then the men of the family feel a rumbling in their stomachs. They rise and go out for a walk. Upon their return they look relieved and are even up for a second piece of mom’s apple pie.

In rural areas we call that ‘The Fart Walk’. Women are always bitching about their men farting in the house so our rural brothers have solved the problem with a post dinner walk. I believe that is what is meant by the sayings ‘a walk is good for the constitution’ or ‘he took a walk to clear the air’.

This has been going on for thousands of years. I picture Popes taking walks around Vatican City, Henry VIII leaving one of his eight wives and walking the courtyard before returning to cut her head off, Bill Clinton, after having dinner with Monica Lewinsky who had done most of the eating, going for a walk in the Rose Garden and Moses after a hardy meal of figs, prunes and greasy goat meat walking up into the mountains wondering if there was any more writing on the rocks.

Fart Walks are less prevalent in the cites as the chance of being mugged mid fart is quite high. Also, city dwellers tend to be a little lazier than the rural folk so a short walk to the bathroom is more in their wheelhouse. Thank God for bathroom fans.

Now as to women and their Fart Walks. Yes they take them but will never admit it. As men we have been told that women do not fart. But I believe that the incessant need for women to go to the bathroom in groups of two or more is just a cover for The Female Fart Walk. Women who walk in their neighborhoods in twos and threes are really on Fart Walks.

When no other woman is available they sneak off to the bathroom, sowing room or laundry as a way of gaining relief in private and keeping the fallacy of ‘women do not fart’ alive. I have been married and I know better, lol.

If you want to avoid walking behind a man on his daily Fart Walk you need to learn to look the signs that a fart walk is in progress. A novice Fart Walker will have to stop to fart. You will see a little hesitation in his step. You might even see a subtle reach back to manually separate the cheeks. Gross yes but effective. A male Fart Walker always walks alone so if you see a group of men walking together you are safe gaseous wise.

Where you might not be able to avoid the whiff of a Fart Walk is when you encounter an experienced walker. With age comes experience and with experience comes stealth. Be aware that older men can fart mid step, never have to touch their farting instrument and know how to deflect blame on someone else.

Especially be aware of grandfathers walking their dogs. The dog is also on a Fart Walk!!!


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Intolerance Will Not Be Tolerated

"Intolerance betrays want of faith in one's cause", Mahatma Gandhi.

Intolerance is a human fault that has cost so many people their freedom and even their lives. Seeing intolerance in the LGBT community is very troubling to me. Anyone who has suffered at the hands of prejudice and intolerance should never exhibit those characteristics toward anyone else.

There will always be someone who is intolerant toward race, religion, nationality or sexual orientation. I believe that it’s an innate human characteristic. Acceptance of everyone is rare and we all demonstrate intolerance toward someone at some point in our lives.

I have an admitted intolerance for people who do stupid things. That intolerance extends to myself as I have done some very stupid things in my life. I know that this is one of my many character flaws.

Being homophobic is wrong on any level. But so is being intolerant of homophobes. I detest the idiocy of homophobia but they have the right to believe the way they do. Just as I have the right to support sexual orientation equality.

The fact that a person decides to donate to an anti gay organization does not give us leave to seek that persons dismissal from his job. In cases like these intolerance quickly turns into bullying. Bullying is never OK no matter what the cause.

Champions of sexual orientation rights are reaching their goals albeit slowly. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. Time and persistence will bring the equality the LGBT community seeks. Intolerance will only leave a bitter taste in the mouths of those who oppose it.

Be the better people and present your case on its merits. Leave intolerance and prejudice for your opposition by the wayside.

Your cause is just. That should be enough.

"I have seen great intolerance shown in support of tolerance", Samuel Taylor Coleridge.