Monday, April 28, 2014

Dieting Makes Me Feel Sad And Unsatisfied

Much research has been done on dieting an the onset of depression. It makes sense to me as dieters are depriving themselves of things they love and replacing them with things that are good for your body but not necessarily satisfying.

Sitting at my kitchen table with a big juicy cheeseburger, fries and a non diet soft drink is much more satisfying than sitting in front of a big heaping plate of lettuce and cottage cheese. I am told that I need to do diet so I can regain the boyish figure of my youth. News flash kiddies~I Never Had A Boyish Figure In MY Youth!!!

A new study, by The Onion, has concluded that “The data indicates that people who eat large amounts of red meat and saccharides have, on average, markedly shorter and more satisfying life spans,” said the lead author, Aubrey Schrader, adding that frequent ingestion of animal protein, chocolate, and sweetened snacks and beverages lowered the average age of onset of diabetes, heart disease, and cancer for those who take pleasure in their daily existence.“

“Evidence from our study suggests that diets rich in prime rib, pulled pork, strawberry cheesecake, flank steak, and Snickers bars were directly related to younger ages at death among men and women who embraced their life and made the absolute most of their time on earth. Moreover, these individuals appeared to exhibit a greater peace in dying, able to pass on without any regrets in their lives whatsoever.” The study also revealed that the loved ones of those who passed away prematurely and contented were typically far better suited to handle their grief due to their high levels of alcohol consumption."

This all makes perfect sense to me. Your choice is between eating what ever you want and enjoying your life to its fullest, albeit a shorter life, or eating never ending dishes of vegetables, seeds, grains and fruits and living a long miserable depressed life until your retirement income runs out and you die in a nursing home that smells of old people urine and flatulence.

So my friends put your fork down and back away from that salad and join me for a satisfying meal at one of our fine fast food establishments.

My birthday party, in August, will consist of platters of juicy cheese burgers and milk shakes served with endless fries that come to the table with a fountain of ketchup for dipping.

Oh and one salad with some grilled chicken for that skinny depressed cousin who never listens to anything I say, lol.


PS...Please remember that I write fiction, lol.

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