Friday, April 11, 2014

How Do You Spell Relief?~~A Fart Walk Of Course

Picture a family sitting around a dinner table enjoying a Mexican inspired meal or a corn beef and cabbage dish. Desert is served and coffee has been enjoyed. Then the men of the family feel a rumbling in their stomachs. They rise and go out for a walk. Upon their return they look relieved and are even up for a second piece of mom’s apple pie.

In rural areas we call that ‘The Fart Walk’. Women are always bitching about their men farting in the house so our rural brothers have solved the problem with a post dinner walk. I believe that is what is meant by the sayings ‘a walk is good for the constitution’ or ‘he took a walk to clear the air’.

This has been going on for thousands of years. I picture Popes taking walks around Vatican City, Henry VIII leaving one of his eight wives and walking the courtyard before returning to cut her head off, Bill Clinton, after having dinner with Monica Lewinsky who had done most of the eating, going for a walk in the Rose Garden and Moses after a hardy meal of figs, prunes and greasy goat meat walking up into the mountains wondering if there was any more writing on the rocks.

Fart Walks are less prevalent in the cites as the chance of being mugged mid fart is quite high. Also, city dwellers tend to be a little lazier than the rural folk so a short walk to the bathroom is more in their wheelhouse. Thank God for bathroom fans.

Now as to women and their Fart Walks. Yes they take them but will never admit it. As men we have been told that women do not fart. But I believe that the incessant need for women to go to the bathroom in groups of two or more is just a cover for The Female Fart Walk. Women who walk in their neighborhoods in twos and threes are really on Fart Walks.

When no other woman is available they sneak off to the bathroom, sowing room or laundry as a way of gaining relief in private and keeping the fallacy of ‘women do not fart’ alive. I have been married and I know better, lol.

If you want to avoid walking behind a man on his daily Fart Walk you need to learn to look the signs that a fart walk is in progress. A novice Fart Walker will have to stop to fart. You will see a little hesitation in his step. You might even see a subtle reach back to manually separate the cheeks. Gross yes but effective. A male Fart Walker always walks alone so if you see a group of men walking together you are safe gaseous wise.

Where you might not be able to avoid the whiff of a Fart Walk is when you encounter an experienced walker. With age comes experience and with experience comes stealth. Be aware that older men can fart mid step, never have to touch their farting instrument and know how to deflect blame on someone else.

Especially be aware of grandfathers walking their dogs. The dog is also on a Fart Walk!!!


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