Saturday, February 14, 2015

Remember When Someone Saying "I'm Telling" Was Our Worse Fear

The world has become a scary place. We use to live in a 'leave the car and front door unlocked' world to a 'lock everything up and hide after dark' world. Saying that I miss the old days is a gross understatement.

There seems to be nowhere safe in the world. Terrorism stalks the earth. Criminals have made, what once was a comfortable safe life, a crap shoot existence here at home.

Drug cartels make our streets a battleground. Islamic terrorists, Christian terrorists, religious zealots  of all sorts and criminals have made us afraid to allow our children play in our own yards without us standing guard over them.

There is not a night that I go to bed that I do not pray for the safety of my children, They are not off fighting a war; they are just out living ordinary lives in our society.

I drive by an elementary school everyday and see long lines of parents waiting to pick up their kids. Some of them live within 2 or 3 blocks of the school. When I lived in Brooklyn, in the 50's, from first grade on, I walked the 10 or so blocks to school with all the other kids. No parents were with us. Now days that would be tantamount to child abuse.

Fear has driven us into our homes. It is so sad to see the state to which we have fallen. In a few years my generation will be gone and no one will remember what the 'Good Old Days' were like.

I miss then dearly.


Thursday, February 12, 2015

I Laughed Until My Sides Hurt

From a commercial I saw the other night; "I am a big fan of the Baby Boo Diet. How many 200 pound babies have you seen?"

Well I have seen one 200 plus pound baby; Baby Huey.

Cute Isn't He!!

He was a cartoon character in the late 1940's and into the 1950's. One of my favorites. I laughed through many of his cartoons and comics as a kid, lol.

Life was so simple back then. I was entertained by cartoons, comics, The Three Stooges, Laurel and Hardy, Abbot and Costello, The Andy Divine Show with his sidekick Froggy, The Dead End Kids  and Saturday night Horror shows with Bela Lugosi or  Elvira. Happy times indeed.

Slapstick comedy was king. Now days people considerate it abusive while allowing their kids to play violent video games. So much has changed.

Abbot and Costello had a routine about baseball; 'Who's On First'. So I will leave you with this;

Have fun kiddies!!


The Rise~The Fall~The Rise~The Fall Of Yoga Pants

They have spread across the landscape like a plague of locusts. Some causing a pleasurable effect but more times than not they leave us washing out our brains and clawing at our eyes.

I journeyed to Walmart yesterday and was inundated by a 'yoga pants' army. My estimate was that 3 out of 5 women(and a few very strange men) were wearing yoga pants. None of which, I believe, have ever seen the inside of a yoga studio.

I picture yoga pants being push up bras for the ass. Much of what I saw yesterday would require steel reinforcement to achieve push up status.

Every conceivable size of woman was stuffed into yoga pants that included every color of the rainbow and a few colors that do not exist normally in nature. Pinks and lavenders seemed to be prevalent.

I have a particular aversion to people with no butt wearing yoga pants. It is very strange to see a saggy display of these pants; especially on, dare I say it, the men.

Yes kiddies there were 4 men in yoga pants. One was wearing a pair in a light lavender pants. LAVENDER!!!!  I must admit I was a bit frightened.

Camel toes were on display all over the store. Worse than that; bulges on the men that were a match for what I imagine gladiator diapers might show. It was like watching an episode of American Horror Show.

I must admit, a good looking woman in yoga pants can be a beautiful sight. But on me yoga pants would be a Greek Tragedy.

I pledge not to wear yoga pants in any form, drunk or sober, for all the future I am allowed to experience. I beg the guy in the lavender yoga pants to take the same pledge. For God's sake man you weigh 250 pounds at least.


Sunday, February 8, 2015

A Poop A Day Fixes Everything

I have a friend that always says, "Pooping is the answer to everything", and she is right. A quick look at the heavy concentration of pooping related advertising, that bombards us daily, proves that point.

Probiotics, yogurt and laxative advertisements fill our airways. For those of us who have reached advanced age; adult diaper commercials intone our need to assist with anal incontinence. It's a crap shoot of information that leads to only one possible solution; pooping is truly the answer to everything.

Doctors have know this for years. One of the questions they always ask us during examinations is, "How are your bowel movements?". My stock answer, " soft with a chance of last nights pasta making an appearance", seems to amuse my poop enthusiast of a physician.

All the important decisions, made throughout history, have been decided after a good poop. In a very very very unauthorized biography of Harry Truman he is purported to have said, "I'll let you know about that bomb thing when I am done pooping".

The Korean War would have ended with a peace treaty, rather than a case fire, if the North Koreans had decent bathroom facilities to assist them with their pooping needs.

 It is reported that Napoleon, Hitler, Genghis Kahn  and Stalin all suffered from poor pooping habits. Had they just had one decent poop they would have conquered the world.

Life is so fragile and now we know that it balances on a tightrope in search of a good morning poop.

For all you know;

May your good ideas be free flowing and your bad ones flushed away. HMMM!! I may put that on a business card, lol.


Wednesday, February 4, 2015

I Want A Gate Scandal Of My Own~~Damn It!!

Laying naked together, hands and mouths exploring, testing and seeking that one thing that brings her to happiness. She lets out a low moan that explodes into a scream. She smiles at you, still panting, offering you kisses and hugs for your effort. YOUR EFFORT? Was this real or is it a case of ORGASMGATE?

These days everyone seems to have a 'gate scandal' on their resume. The New England Patriots have 'Deflategate' (which could also be the basis for a Viagra commercial). The Atlanta Falcons have 'FakeCrowdNoiseGate'. Second Life has 'GenderSwappingGate'.

As Roseanne Roseannadanna always says, "It's Always Something".

I do not need a fancy metal gate. Or an ornamental gate. All I want is a simple garden variety gate that allows me enter a place where I can enjoy my fifteen minutes of fame playing among the the flowers and creatures of my pasture.

My life is so boring now that any kind of 'gate scandal' will do. I have even explored possible gate scandals.

What's In A McDonald's McRib Gate
Are All Those Second Life Performers Holding Guitars Actually Playing Them Gate
Will Making Love To A Furry Give You Dandruff Gate
Is A Pretzel Pizza Crust Even Legal Gate
Are The 500 Sexual Positions In My Second Life Bed Possible To Do In One Night Gate
Is Kim K's Ass Natural Or Chemically Induced Gate

So much to think about.

The only thing that I dislike President Nixon for is that his actions made the use of adding 'GATE' to the end of all scandals possible, lol.

Wait for it!! The next Gate Scandal is right around the corner.


Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Reading~~Travels For The Mind

I have always been an avid reader. In good times and bad reading lifted my soul to an incredible height fueling an already active imagination.

In an evening of reading you can be transported across the globe or to new universe. I have used reading to heal me and to let my mind get away from adverse situations. In the army reading transported me from the battlefield to warm summer days on a mid west farm and to the old west where I roamed with cowboys and looked at untouched countryside.

When I was in prison reading made the wall disappear and gave me a sense of a normal life that got me through it. It saved my sanity.

Yet there are homes with no books in them. Parents do not read to their children. Television and video games do the parenting. Very Sad!!!

When my children were growing up we had over 1000 books in the house. Even today my Kindle has some 300 books in it waiting to be read. Most I obtained free.

There is no excuse not to read. NONE!!

There is no excuse not to give your children the opportunity to read. Yes books can be expensive but a weekly trip to the library will open up a new world for your children. Anyone can use the library free.

A child who reads will do well in school. They will be more well rounded and prepared to compete for success.

An adult who reads can escape the hard times, by stimulating your mind, and enhance the good times with useful information or entertainment.

So kiddies grab a book and read to a child or to yourself. It's cheaper than a movie, video game or cable television.

Reading will bring you closer to your children. That's what parenting is all about.


What I am reading now:

Inferno by Dan Brown
Safe At Home by Richard Doster
Saint Padre Pio by Michael J Ruszala