Thursday, February 12, 2015

The Rise~The Fall~The Rise~The Fall Of Yoga Pants

They have spread across the landscape like a plague of locusts. Some causing a pleasurable effect but more times than not they leave us washing out our brains and clawing at our eyes.

I journeyed to Walmart yesterday and was inundated by a 'yoga pants' army. My estimate was that 3 out of 5 women(and a few very strange men) were wearing yoga pants. None of which, I believe, have ever seen the inside of a yoga studio.

I picture yoga pants being push up bras for the ass. Much of what I saw yesterday would require steel reinforcement to achieve push up status.

Every conceivable size of woman was stuffed into yoga pants that included every color of the rainbow and a few colors that do not exist normally in nature. Pinks and lavenders seemed to be prevalent.

I have a particular aversion to people with no butt wearing yoga pants. It is very strange to see a saggy display of these pants; especially on, dare I say it, the men.

Yes kiddies there were 4 men in yoga pants. One was wearing a pair in a light lavender pants. LAVENDER!!!!  I must admit I was a bit frightened.

Camel toes were on display all over the store. Worse than that; bulges on the men that were a match for what I imagine gladiator diapers might show. It was like watching an episode of American Horror Show.

I must admit, a good looking woman in yoga pants can be a beautiful sight. But on me yoga pants would be a Greek Tragedy.

I pledge not to wear yoga pants in any form, drunk or sober, for all the future I am allowed to experience. I beg the guy in the lavender yoga pants to take the same pledge. For God's sake man you weigh 250 pounds at least.


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