Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Way of The Ass

"I hate when people say, He's nice once you get to know him. They might as well say, He's an asshole, but you'll get used to it!", Unknown.

The 'ASS' takes on a life of its own. It can be loved, adored, admired, fondled, pampered, tattooed, exercised and squeezed into pants 3 sizes to small for its girth.
It can be the focal point of a conversation or a condemnation of another person; he's an ass, she's an asshole or he acts like an ass.
You can ride your ass to town. You can refuse to get off your ass and work. You can go out and get a little ass or not depending on how great an asshole you are.

You can kiss someone and say "WOW that tastes like ass!". I always wonder how people who say that know what ass tastes like?

You can be a bad ass, a good ass, a small ass, a big ass, a cold ass or a hot ass.

You can tell someone to kiss your ass; which is either a derogatory comment or an invitation to 'tap that ass'.

You can apologize by saying "Sorry, I was an Ass".

There was once a Feast Day for the Ass. Not the human kind. The animal kind. A celebration of the ass for carrying a pregnant Mary to Bethlehem and Jesus to Egypt to save his life.

 "'I,' said the donkey, shaggy and brown. I carried his mother uphill and down. I carried his mother to Bethlehem town. 'I,' said the donkey shaggy and brown", from the Christmas carol The Friendly Beasts.

Actually my favorite Christmas song growing up was 'Dominick The Italian Christmas Donkey'.

I have gotten off track here. Back to the human ass. A thing of beauty, and sometimes disdain, that has a brain of its own. 

Case in point; you are constipated for days, at a time when you are off work and hanging around the house close to the bathroom. The day you return to work you remain constipated until you are in the car and stuck in traffic. No bathroom in site. Your stomach aching. Afraid to fart because it may become a productive fart and cause embarrassment at work.

Then that phenomenon, particular to the ass, occurs. TURTLIING!!! The act of the tip of your poop sticking out just a short distance. But enough to make your discomfort excruciating.

You arrive at work and rush to the bathroom where the turtle ducks back inside and you are still constipated. Of course the turtle will return on your drive home.

The way of the ass is mysterious indeed.

The ass has been the inspiration for a plethora of human sayings, quotes and quips. Our ability to use the ass in so many ways, in our language you pervs, is just another way of displaying our humanity.

Of course we could use less assholes in the world.

It is up to us to take the good ass with the bad and move forward in a somewhat provocative sway; eyes glued to it just to see what comes out next.


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