Wednesday, August 15, 2012

It's Three In The Morning

I do not like to write when I am personally upset but there are times when writing down my thoughts calms me and makes me think a little more rationally. It is my way of chatting with myself or maybe chatting with God to help solve a problem. Solve a problem! Funny!

This would have been a bad week for me anyway as my youngest daughter leaves for college. It is very hard to give up your last child to her own life but that has to be done. The empty feeling it leaves me is not an easy one.

Over the past month or so I have come to realize how much my illness has taken out of me. Do y'all remember that song by Mathew Wilder named 'Break My Stride'? There was a time people said it was written for me because nothing could slow me down. No matter how hard times were or how bad I felt I always kept moving forward unfazed.

Well kiddies my stride has finally been broken. I feel like I am building a sand castle to close to where the waves are breaking and whenever I build one tower two waves are ready to break it down. It is frustrating.

I have written before about things that change your path or reset your course well today's bad news did not do that for me. It does not matter what the news was; lets just say that it did not reset my course but rather left me facing a precipice that I can not cross.

I am so tired of the fight. So very tired.

My problem is that it has been bred into me that I am responsible for my obligations and if I can not meet them it weighs on me. I have always been able to find a way but this time I see none beyond flatly walking away, throwing my hands in the air and saying Fuck It. Something I just can not do.

I am rambling I know. It is three o'clock in the morning and I have even been abandoned by my dogs who have found their sleep much more agreeable than watching me stare at these pages.

A whole host of people said, "Randy, swallow you pride and ask for help". They were right so I did just that; swallowed my pride and for the first time in my life I asked for help. Guess what kiddies? No help is coming. I am on my own as I have always been. Minus a little pride of course.

I truthfully do not even know what my problem is let alone how to solve it. Is it that I can not meet my obligations? Is it that swallowing my pride was a wasted act? Is it that I have finally lost faith in my life?

Is it all of the above and maybe a lot more? I just do not know anymore.

At this point this is what I can tell you. I will not say Fuck It as it is not in me to walk away. But I am in a hole that I will never climb out of and what my life is now is what it will be.

My road has finally come to a dead end. I will hang out here waiting for who knows what and will tread water for who knows how long.

My friends you have caught me on a bad day. Maybe the worst day you will ever see from me.

I am going to join my dogs in some blissful sleep. Hopefully!!


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