Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I Always Thought I Was Immortal!!

It's true! I always thought that I was immortal and because of that belief I have lived my life to a fullness only an immortal can attempt.

Well kiddies I am not immortal and neither are you. A shame because I would have loved to had the chance to go into space as an explorer. Another crushed dream, lol.

My mortality, the time God has loaned me here on Earth, has been severely tested over the past month. I have discovered some things about myself that I would have laughed off just a few short months ago.

My little adventure into reality started this past Christmas, 2011. I had been suffering from what I believed to be the flu for a week by Christmas day but my condition was getting worse by the day. Finally on December 27, 2011 at around 3 am I had reached a point that I actually thought I was going to die. I never thought that I would be able to pin point a time and place for my passing but there it was staring me in the face.

My friends know, and I have written about this before, that I live alone and that I do not fear dying alone. At least that is what I thought before December 27th last. My fears about dying have always been ones connected with not being found for weeks after passing. I am admittedly a vain person and do not want to have my lifeless body seen like those that are always showing up in the television show 'Bones' each episode.

What I found out about myself, on that December night, is that I fear death in whatever form it comes to me.

I was sitting on a recliner struggling to breath that night. My lungs had been steadily filling up with crap and my lung capacity was decreasing rapidly. I was gasping for air and had the feeling that I was suffocating. Suffocating!!! An unbelievable feeling that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

My breathing was becoming very rapid as I tried to pull in the air I needed. I found myself talking with God between labored breaths. At one point I notices my fingernails becoming a bluish color and my feet were swelling. I know enough about the human body to know that that bluish color meant I was becoming cyanotic.

I called my neighbor and he rushed over and drove me to the emergency room. My stay there was about twelve hours long. I was diagnosed with a severe case of bronchitis and a week later a pneumonia diagnosis was added. Two weeks after that they added Congestive Heart Failure to my growing list of diagnoses.

I have been pumped with enough medications to sink a ship and am slowly recovering. I was told this morning that my recovery will take a minimum of 3 months and possibly 6 months.

So it seems that I am not the immortal man that I have deluded myself into thinking I was; but a mere mortal like every other person. I have found that I fear death just like anyone else. Maybe more now that I have had a taste.

With this new found knowledge in hand I have taken yet another look back on my life and have added so many more regrets to my already long list.

I had made my peace with God a long time ago and always thought that when called I would go willingly because I was going to a better life. My experiences, over the past month, have proven that premise fatally flawed.

I am not ready. I suppose that we never really are ready to give up this life. I have so much more to do. Physically I may be on shaky ground to accomplish what I want in the time I have left. Mentally I fell like I can go on forever.

Hopefully my mental immortality will pull my physical mortality along long enough for me to accomplish what I want.

If Not!!! I have had a wonderful life even with all my missteps and failures. I have a legacy of four amazing children and am loved. A man could do much worse.

Love ya,

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