Thursday, February 24, 2011

When We Really F$$k Up Earth We Will Need To Go Someplace Else!!

Everyone who has been reading this blog, for any length of time, knows that my brain is a place of imagination and that my fantasies may become whimsical at times. But in the production of my fantasies; TRUTH lingers somewhere on the fringes of my imagination.

So having said that; last night, while tossing and turning trying to get to sleep; my fantasies hit the proverbial fan.

It all started with a picture of a bird with a plastic aluminum can holder stuck to its head. Actually I saw this on this weeks episode of 'How I Met Your Mother'. So anyway; here is this bird hopelessly stuck in a plastic ring. As you can imagine my fantasies took flight.

If we can screw up a bird; the planet's destruction has to be at hand. So now I am in a panic. Where do I go? Who will go with me? What will I take? (BTW, My Pocket Rocket went into my backpack first;;Just saying a girl has her needs.)

OMG!!  2am!! This all needs to be settled now. It can not wait. Every fiber of my being is fired up. But it's 2am! Who can I consult about this at this hour.

Oh Yeah!! The God of research never sleeps. I jumped out of bed and rushed to the nearest computer to consult Google. Google was the second thing going into my backpack.

I asked my good friend Google; "Where do I go when I wake up one morning and discover that I have a plastic beer can holder wrapped around my neck?"  At that point all the birds will be gone and the plastic can holders will be attacking people. Earth will be done for!!! Abandon The Planet!!

Google told me about a new planetary discovery that will solve my problems. The earth like planet of Gliese 581c. The first thing that my imagination latched onto was the name. WTF!!  I can not even pronounce it. But because I had not discovered it nor had ever been there; renaming it myself seemed inappropriate. So for the purposes of my fantasy; 'I will call it Planet Someplace Else'. Seems right.

Now problem number two was how far away it was. TWENTY LIGHT YEARS!! For those of you who are of the unscientific ilk; that is 117,313,920,000,000 miles or/189,216,000,000,000 kilometers. I rushed right out to my car to check to see how much gasoline I had in the tank. Because I am not leaving earth without my Beemer. So lets see; I get 24 mpg when I am highway driving(this trip qualifies for highway driving). Gasoline costs $3.12/gal; as of this morning. That means I need 4,888,080,000,000 gallons. I need to go to an ATM and withdrawal $15,250,809,600,000 to cover the gasoline. DAMN I NEED A BIGGER BACKPACK!!

I had my oil changed; as I do before any long trip. Packed the car and then sat down to set out a route and figure out exactly how to set the Beemer's GPS system.

Google provided me with a map.

                  new earth

Yeppers; that's my new home orbiting around its sun. Cute little thing; is it not.  Actually; its bigger than earth by some 4,000 miles across and weighs 5 times more than Earth. Hmm; does this mean I am going to weigh 5 times more than I do now when I arrive at Someplace Else. To the grocery for some Slimfast; and into my backpack it went. I also picked up a lot of dog food because I am not going Someplace Else without her.
                   new earth

This is a view of what Someplace Else will look like when I arrive. Not bad. maybe a little over the top red by hey it is Someplace Else and I will have to get use to it.

The planet lies within what Astrobiologists call the Goldilocks Zone, where it is not so cold that water freezes and not so hot that it boils, but where it can lie on the planet's surface as a liquid.  Someplace Else should have average surface temperatures estimated to be between zero and 40c (32-102f). Lakes, rivers and even oceans are possible.

Packing has been further complicated by the need for such a variety of clothes to cover that temperature differential. I am definitely going to need help carring this backpack.

Now as to who to take with me. I need a man to procreate as populating Someplace Else will be a priority. But I really want to take a woman(silly,,you all know why, lol). I have decided to take Matthew Mcconaughey because he is cute, has produced good looking children and he makes me laugh. Now for my love life. I have chosen Milla Jovovich. The woman is stunning and kicks ass. I will be well loved and definitely well protected. Ah!! The security of my fantasies.

So I am prepared. At the first sign of a plastic ring stuck around  my neck; I AM GOING SOMEPLACE ELSE!!

Love ya,

PS....To read more about Someplace Else go to his website.


  1. 2AM...tsk tsk tsk..
    You really should sleep at that hour otherwise you will end up looking like me :P
    But if you go, can I join?... :))


  2. Temp-wise, less extreme than my current residence. I'm in. :)