Thursday, April 19, 2012

Who Do You Talk To?

Early every morning I hold a verbal conversation in which I speak to people from my past and to God as I believe in Him. When I say speak that is exactly what I mean. Out loud so I am heard. No inner quiet thoughts. The spoken word so what I am saying can be heard and understood. Verbal conversation may be a strong term as I live alone and my words fall only in the ears on my dogs.

This is always followed be about 30 minutes of meditation that I developed in the early 70's through the study of Transcendental Meditation. This is a process that helps get my day off to a decent start and relaxes me.

I have always believed that, by the virtue of them having passed away, family members are always available to hear me. Respond to me? Well no. But I take comfort in being able to address them as if they were in the room with me.

To set you minds at ease, I have not lost my mind and my dogs do not speak to me. Although at times they do give me quizzical looks.

I particularly like conversations with my parents. When they were living, and for reasons that I will never understand and that all come from within me and not from them, I could not seem to have a normal face to face conversation with them.

My father was a bit intimidating. Talking to him about personal things always came hard to me. He was an intelligent, strong self made man that held me in awe my entire life. This sense of awe, that kept me from having a meaningful relationship with him when he was alive, was a flaw in my character. He raised me to stand on my own two feet and to be self sufficient. I manage my way through life even today based on his teachings.

My mother was a completely different story but in every way my fathers equal. But that equality did not show itself for general consumption. It was there to be seen by precious few and at times when they were sure no one was looking.

In reality my mother was the engine that made my family flow smoothly. She was the one who made sure we all had what we needed to function and everything from food on the table to the condition of our home was in her domain.

That was proven when she became ill in the late 60's and was unable to function as she normally would. Until mom was back on her feet we were a ship adrift as a family. Thank God she recovered and get us all back on track.

There are always things left unsaid between people. Things that should have been said when it was possible to say them. Things that eat away at you for years. I have found that my morning conversations with my mother and father help relieve some of the regret that comes with our unsaid thoughts.

Even with one sided conversations problems can be resolved and regrets satisfied.

There are others I regularly speak with early mornings. My grand parents, who were major influences on my life, have become sounding boards for many of my real life problems. In life they were the captains that held sway over my problems and in death their role in my life is no less important.

Then, of course, there is God. For me my conversations with God are more of a 'why did you allow me to do that?' or 'how can I be here when you choose to take them?' type conversations.

For me parents and grandparents seem to be solvers of tangible everyday life problems that can be solved around the dinner table.

God is a another ball game altogether. My conversations tend to lean toward the philosophy of life with my life being that canvass my thoughts are painting.

I personally believe that I would not function well if I were not to hold these meeting. Call me nuts but I feel a better person for having them.


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