I have had some fun with my change this week and it was meant to be funny. But now that I have presented what is a tragedy in a light manner; please bear with me for a few minutes while I try and put this all in prospective.
When all the banter dies down one thing remains that will haunt me forever. A Relationship Died And I Killed It!
It is strange to look at those words and realize that I killed something that is probably the greatest accomplishment of my life. We were able to keep a Second Life relationship going for 40 months and for most of that time it was fresh and exciting. I have never been able to accomplish that in my real life.
Even though we were living a fantasy; that fantasy produced some wonderful things. Things that leave me with some pride. Things that will keep my memories warm for a very long time.
Through the keyboard and the words that you produce with it; emotions and expectations can be elevated to unbelievable heights. Connections are made in Second Life with no physical contact necessary. Powerful connections. In a way the connections we make in Second Life are tighter than those in our First Lives. Second Life is on a total cerebral level with no expectation of the physical being that lays behind the computer opposite you.
I have always believed that love, in any life, is more cerebral than physical. So Second Life is the perfect breeding ground for real love, in my opinion. The mind can wield it's power at will when the physical realm is not there to block its journey.
I had such a relationship. What started out as a whim, on my part, quickly snowballed into a fantasy fueled by latent feelings within me and my partner. It got out of control. I did not know how to stop it. In truth; I did not want to stop it. The fantasy I created for my partner became my fantasy too. In my selfishness to hold on to the life I had fabricated people's lives collapsed.
My search to try and find a new Second Life, no matter what form that life takes, will always hurt someone. There is no getting around that fact.
In situations like this there is always a period of grieving. My problem is I do not know how to grieve. I never have. One would think that in a life full of loss grieving would have been a lesson well learned. But neither Thinkie nor I have ever learned this lesson. I think that sometimes grief comes to quick in our lives and we tend to get use to it, internalize it and give it a 'business as usual' attitude. Thinkie and I are very much the same in that respect.
The lessons I am taking away from these wonderful 40 months are worth mentioning. First; always portray yourself as who you really are and not who you wished you were. I think that you will find a much quicker acceptance by others. Second; the friends you make are precious and need to be held close and their relationship to you nurtured. Because once they are gone, there is no getting them back.
Three; there is no amount of good you can do to over come the harm you cause by not being who you say you are. There was a time that I thought I could build up a resume of good deeds that would cover all the bad ones. Do not delude yourself into thinking this fallacy.
Finally; there is love here in Second Life if you approach it with honesty. There are great friendships to be made if you are always honest with those friends. And there is a sense of family that can be built if you are open and honest to those around you.
The grieving process for Thinkie and I, although it will take different paths, will be a long one. I hope and I pray that she finds peace. She is surrounded by people who love her. All she has to do is let them in.
A few days ago Thinkie forgave me. A forgiveness I do not deserve. Even in her grief she has a heart as big as any who ever lived. I wish I was who she thought I was all those 40 months.
Loving her was easy. Still loving her is easy. Always loving her will be easy. Never again being hers is hard.
We both need closure but I do not know where to find it. All I can say is 'I Wish'.