Tuesday, August 16, 2011

God Said 'Let There Be Fries!'~~And There Were~~And They Were Good~~Then All Hell Broke Loose!!!

On the 8th day as God rested after The Creation; He was sitting in front of the television watching a Dallas Cowboys Football game(yes God created football and the Cowboys). I believe that Dallas was playing Pittsburgh. By halftime God was hungry and spent the 40 minute halftime watching the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders(He created them to) and while watching He created French Fries.

Now, of course the French had not come to be yet so God just called the FRIES. Gods one mistake, and yes God cam make mistakes~hence the platypus, was to hand his delicious new creation to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Of all the foods available in the Garden of Eden, which I believe was located in South Carolina because the tradition of Frying Everything lives on to this day, Fries quickly became Adams favorite food. Eve was getting tired of eating fries and cooking them so she plotted with her neighbors wife, a one Mrs Snake, to trick Adam into eating something else. Adam ate the apple and all is history.

But Fries lived on to cause problems to this day. Some of the problems caused by fries are little know to us today because The Book Of Fries was left out of the Bible.  Only now are we learning the disasters that can be attributed to Fries.

Fry Facts:

Troy circa 1200 BC: We all have heard that Helen of Troy was a beautiful woman and was the cause of The Trojan War. The truth is that as beautiful as Helen was it was the secret that she held that the Greeks wanted. It seems Helen's family held the secret to making the Worlds Best Ketchup and the Greeks wanted that recipe. So they attacked Troy to get it. After Helen escaped Troy she traveled to Italy where she further developed the use of the tomato for a sauce that was used on pasta.

There is no truth to the rumor that the Trojan Was fought over Condom Patents.

World War I: The trouble between the French and the Germans came to a head at the negotiation  table, over the disposition of the Alsace-Lorraine Region, when the French were gastronomically upset by the Germans use of Vinegar on there Fries. A Food Fight ensued; with both sides deeply entrenched and exchanging barrages of Vinegar and Mayonnaise. The American observers to this historic event hid behind a vale of Ketchup for protection.

There are so many examples of Fries causing wars and conflicts. To many to mention really. But this brings me to must to our time and the Corporate Fry War that are going on right now.

The Fast Food Fry Wars began with McDonalds claim, and rightly so, that there Fries were the best. Burger King and Wendys were light years behind McDonalds in French Fry Technology.  For years McDonalds ruled the Fry World. I will confess to you that I would go to BurgerKing for a Whopper and then go through the drive through at McDonalds for fries. YES I was caught up in the conflict.

Then Burger King started actually using potatoes in their fries and the gap was closing between them and Mcdonalds. Status Quo was reached between the two Frying Giants until Wendys did the unthinkable and blew the conflict wide open.

Wendys Hand Cut and Sea Salt Seasoned Fries Arrived! I actually saw people having orgasms in the Wendys Drive Through.

I will admit that I have personally switched to Wendys Fries. Many of my friends are still clinging to the McDonalds Fry Boxes. Burger King seems to have been left by the side of the road with an oil leak in their frying vats.

So here is the question? Witch Fry do you like the best? Leave your vote and comments at the Blog. Lets conduct a completely unscientific pole and get a feel for our Fry preferences.

One day I will tell you about how The Black Plague in Europe was caused by rancid fat from Fry vats, how the Dark Ages can be defined by the Lack of a Sufficient Potato crop that did not keep up with Fry demand, how the Renascence was kick started by the invention of a pure vegetable oil that improved Fry Quality and how The Irish Potato Famine led to the Fry Craze in the United States.

French Fry History and its associated disasters have plagued us since that first Dallas Cowboys/Pittsburgh Stealer's Halftime. God should never have given Humans a gift and say 'Run With This One'. We are sure to take it to an unbelievable and illogical conclusion.

Love ya,

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