Friday, July 29, 2011

A Weekend With Bernie Or How My Date Went Terribly Wrong!!!

I have a birthday coming up and each year I do some self reminiscing about things I have done in the past and how well or in many cases how badly the event evolved. So last night I was thinking about Dates I had been on over the years. You all know the ones I am talking about! The ones that never seem to result in a second date. We have all had them and I am sure you all can remember sitting there, looking across the table at a pretty face, and thinking, 'When Will This Freaking Night End'.

The worst of these dates have three components that make them even more terrifying. One, They are in a place that has no easy escape, Two, realization of how horrible a date is comes after many hours of you saying to yourself, 'This is going OK!' and Three, you were the one who initiated the date and how could you have been so wrong.

I met, lets say her name is Alice, at a coffee shop where I went every morning before work. She was pretty, seemed reasonably intelligent, had a body that popped my eyes and a Southern Drawl that could melt Ice from 100 feet. At the beginning she had me singing 'I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still, da doo ron ron ron, da doo ron ron' a song by The Crystals but by dates end I was singing 'Where can I run run,,Where can I run.'

I took it very slow with her to see if I could get to know as much as I could before asking her out. My record of interesting and disastrous dates was a long one and I did want to add another episode to my saga. I waited well over a month before asking her out.

It happened that a friend had a house on Bald Head Island, NC and was have a ; 'Girls Weekend'. She wanted me to come but I had to bring a date. So I figured I would ask Alice. Unfortunately she said yes and we headed to the island. So now two of the three ingredients for a horrible date were in place; I had initiated the date and Bald Head Island was a place only accessible by boat and was a no cars allowed island. So, "Alice would you like to go and OMFG I am trapped".

Alice seemed normal on the drive to catch the boat and on the 30 minute ride out to the island. In truth everything was going well up until we dropped our bags in our room and headed out to see the island, grab a drink and make plans with the other girls. It turned out that Alice needed more attention than a new born infant and short of having to change her diapers that is what it felt like.

In an attempt to be expedient in  explaining all her complaints or quirks I will just list them.

1. It was to hot(temperatures between 85F and 90F).
2. There was not enough hot water for showers(remember there were 8 girls staying at the house).
3. The restaurant food sucked.
4. They did not have her brand of beer in the island store.
5. I spent to much time talking with the other girls.
6. I liked going in the ocean to play around and left her on the blanket alone because she did not want   to get her bikini wet.
7. I drank to much(well maybe she got me there, LOL).
8. My friends were to touchy with each other(personally I love touchy female friends)
9. I did not wear any make up all weekend( I am out in the sun and did not need it)
10. I left her to play golf.

Those are the top 10 but there were more. So, and I hear you thinking this; 'Why did I not go hide in the woods and wait for Sunday to arrive?'

OK! Now the up side and what kept me out of the woods. She had a body that was freaking amazing. Firm where it was supposed to be firm, soft where it was supposed to soft, FREAKING AMAZING in a bikini and finally and most importantly, 'I would be loving that body all weekend!' Or so I thought. I was thinking with what was between my legs and not what was between my ears.

Friday night we were both tired from a long day of work and travel so a quick, and really nice, cuddle and a good nights sleep. Up early on the Saturday morning for the beach, some golf, lunch and dinner at the Golf Club and drinks at the bar afterward. A really nice day and I was looking forward to a very good night. The signs were all there. Small soft kisses all evening, touching and cuddling, a romantic walk on the beach under a fantastic star show. Then home to bed.

It went well for about 5 minutes and I am being generous there with the time. I make love in a gentle way; slow and loving, giving to my partner, caressing and kissing everything and doing everything I can do to make her feel special and loved. Alice, on the other hand, made love LIKE A HAMMER HITTING AN ANVIL!!!!! OMG!! I have never had an experience like that in my entire life. She moaned like I was beating her with a stick, she touched me like her hands were made of sandpaper and her tongue was without life(this I leave to your imagination, LOL!).

Now I was looking for the woods!! To make things worse; when we woke on Sunday morning she is saying 'Best Sex Ever' and I am thinking 'OMG! Where is the truck that hit me between the legs?' I spent the rest of the weekend avoiding one on one contact with Alice and NEVER called her again.

The upside; I gained my appreciation and love of Baileys Irish Cream that weekend.

Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted; as always;

Love ya,

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