Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Gobble, Gobble!

As the President is about to bestow the traditional amnesty on the White House Turkey strange clattering and chattering is being heard within the turkey community. Beaks are flapping and withered wings are exercised as turkeys all over the United States plan a mass breakout in hopes of avoiding being violated by stuffing forced into places that any proud turkey will tell you is an exit not an entrance.


It has been reported that the newly formed Union Of Turkey Territories(UOTT) is offering asylum to any turkey that can reach its shores. Humans are not purvey to the location of UOTT and a frantic search to block an expected mass exodus of turkeys just prior to the Thanksgiving Holiday has been launched by both the military and intelligence communities of the USA.

The obvious suspected homeland of UOTT is in the vicinity of the country Turkey located at the union of Europe and Asia.

A large American task force, backed up by units of the Canadian Navy because of concerns about the effect this exodus would have on Canadian Thanksgiving next year, is poised in the waters off Turkey awaiting movement in this situation. Seal Teams are on standby to secure key positions in the UOTT to wrestle control of government institutions that are orchestrating this uprising.

Turkeys have been seen attacking humans while attempting to escape being basted but sweet creamy butter.

Turkey producers have informed the public that striking revolting turkeys with jellied cranberry sauce will stun them just long enough to allow either escape from their wrath or allow them to be herded into the deep fryers. Humans are warned that while jellied cranberry sauce has an effect on the turkeys it also can render a human dazed and confused just as it has for generations. Never! And I repeat NEVER use cranberry compote to attack a rogue turkey. It just pisses them off and makes them crazier.

Escaping turkeys should be weighed down with mashed potatoes to allow easier capture. A good greasy and lumpy gravy will cause a loss of traction and also assist in capture.

Finally fence them in with a sweet potato wall. Sweet potatoes have been found to be impenetrable by turkeys. Then await the authorities so they can be stamped USDA Approved and enjoy after employing your favorite cooking method.

This has been a joint public service announcement by the Food and Drug Administration and The Center for Disease Control. The CDC wants all citizens to read the governments plans for coping with the Zombie Apocalypse. Just substitute Turkey for the word Zombie where ever it is found.


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