I Want My Communion Coffee

Recently I was asked by my ex minister what it would take to get me back into the church? I tried to be diplomatic telling him that my spiritual needs were being met and I was happy with my choices. After some thought, and after he was gone, some things did come to mind. I am sure he would not like them, lol.

First of all I want communion changed from bread and wine to 'coffee and sausage biscuits. Now that would get me in the door. Maybe throw in a donut and coffee cake platter where the holy water is usually kept.

Then I would want more comfortable seats. Maybe recliners for those days when the sermon runs long and encroaches on Sunday NFL football. Oh Yeah!! A television screen that pops up for those occasions.

That would get me there on Sunday but what about involvement the rest of the week?

I picture 'topless' Friday nights with new converts from The Crazy Horse Saloon in Myrtle Beach, SC. Throw in some beer, vodka and some of those 'are these really chicken wings' bar food and I would attend every Friday. Besides that 90 mile ride to Myrtle is killing me, lol.

Maybe change Wednesday couples dinners to 'partner swapping' parties. The ministers wife is hot. HMMM!! Where am I going to find a partner for the parties?

Finally; stop sending the church newsletter. It's boring and says the same stuff every week. Change it to a 'wine of the month club' subscription. Not that cheap communion wine they are serving now.

Well that’s my plan. Am forwarding this to the minister for consideration.

I am feeling more holy already!!!

Randy