How Do You Tell A Small Child About A Grandparent Passing Away!!

Last night I was witness to conversation about telling young children that one of their grandparents had passed away. One mother, of a child I believe was 3 years old, said that she had explained that her grandparents always looked over but the little girl was having trouble believing it.

Th child said that for Christmas she wanted a note that said they were actually watching or a note, from God,  that told her that they could not watch.

Another mother was saying that they had lost he grandmother within the past month and that her daughter keeps asking where she is because the child was use to seeing her Nana everyday.

Heartbreaking indeed. And a very difficult task for a parent. One that I have no personal experience to help give some insight.

In the article titled, Dealing with Grandparents Death, Helping Children Through The Grief Process by Susan Adcox, she states, 'Many times a grandparent death is a child's first real brush with mortality. Dealing with a grandparent death can be difficult, but at the same time a child can grow in maturity and understanding through this experience. Every child dealing with death needs the support of understanding adults. Parents, of course, have the primary role, but a grandparent can help a child understand the death of one of his or her other grandparents. The best approach depends upon the age of the child, but some guidelines apply no matter what the age.'

She goes on to make these points;

• Answer a child’s questions, but keep your answers brief and simple.

• Do not feel that you must provide all the answers.

• Allow the child to grieve, but understand that for some real grief will be delayed.

• Listen to what the child says and how he or she says it.

• Don’t confuse young ones by using euphemisms for death such as rest or sleep.

• Reassure the child that death is not a form of punishment but is a part of life.

• Be sure that the child does not feel at fault.

• Be patient and consistent with answers if a child asks the same questions over and over.

• Help the child understand that the deceased is not going to “come back.”

• Be careful about associating death with sickness because the child may become very fearful about his or her own sicknesses.

• Be careful about saying that someone died because he or she was old. The child may become fearful about losing other “old” people and may have distorted ideas of age.

The funeral itself may be quite difficult on any child. Susan Adcox suggests that in lieu of a child attending the funeral that going to the 'Wake or Visitation' may be less overwhelming to a child.

Another concerns are confusing religious interpretation of death that the child may encounter. People need to respect the religious views of the parents.

Fear of another grandparents death is also a concern. Having surviving grandparents say something simple such as, “I expect to be here for a long time” is the best solution according to the author.

Finally; the child needs to be allowed to continue grieving. 'children find comfort in the days following a death by looking at or even carrying around a picture of the loved one. A special toy or memento associated with the deceased can also be comforting. The child’s teachers or caregivers should be told about the death. A child going through the grief process may become anxious and clingy or angry and rebellious. He or she may complain of physical symptoms such as headache or stomachache or have trouble concentrating in school. These behavioral changes will probably go away in a matter of weeks. If they do not, the child may need to talk to a counselor.'

This issue is heartbreaking and at the same time a 'parental teaching point'. Children tend to mimic their parents. As hard as it may be for a parent to hold it together after losing their mother or father; controlling those emotions, at least in front of the younger children, is very important.

Sometimes we can lose prospective of how our actions effect the psyche of our children. It is at the worst times of our lives that, as parents, we are expected to be the ones that hold it all together for the children's sake. A very hard task when your heart is torn apart.

I can not imagine the feelings that mother has trying to deal with the issue of a note at Christmas. I pray she gets help figuring it out.


God bless the children,
Keep them from harm.
Give your protection
Within your strong arm.
Send your defenders
In their behalf
Let little ones always
Be able to laugh.
May those who care for them
Do so with joy.
The happiest childhood
For each girl and boy.
Our most precious treasure
Deserves all our love.
God bless the children
And watch from above

Randy