“Confession is the first step to repentance.”~~~English Proverb
Second Life was a retreat from Real Life for me. A retreat that provided me with the satisfaction of being anonymous and a chance to be something I was not. I believe that Second Life provides that to a lot of people. The problem is that many people on Second Life are exactly who they say they are and when their reality clashes with the other peoples fantasies; pain is caused in both Lives.
I am the perpetrator of this type of deceit and fraud.
It started as a lark one night and became a Lifestyle for me in Second Life. I had been in Second Life for about two months living as a male, which is what I actually am. In truth I was having no fun and was spending as much time alone in SL as I was in my Real Life. One thing I did notice; women seemed to be acclimated and accepted more easily. So one night I changed my Avatar and became a woman. Almost immediately I started to meet people, find places that were fun and made a lot of friends. An SL path was set and for the next four years I lived in SL as a woman; concocting a persona for both my SL existence and what my Real life was about.
I thought to myself that this was OK to do, that SL was all fantasy and that it was not to be taken seriously. I believe that is a mistake made by a lot of new people to SL. The problem came when I met someone I really liked and wanted to spend my time with. I got to know the real her and she got to know the Fraud me.
After a month or so she asked me to partner. I should have said no right then and there but I so enjoyed all the time we spent together. What went through my mind was this; 1. I liked her and spending all my time with her was a good thing for me and I hoped her, 2. I could easily be this phony person for a period of time because it seems most SL partnerships did not last long and and I could get out before any one got hurt. I was deluding myself. I said yes to being her partner with those two thoughts in my mind plus the fact that I really enjoyed being with her. And, what I am sure many SL users will be find unbelievable, this was not a sex thing. Our relationship was love in every sense of the word with sex left at the wayside. It was never needed to validate our relationship.
Forty Months(40) later it all came crashing down. FORTY MONTHS!!! People were amazed that a Second Life partnership could last that long. So many of these partnerships had died quickly and many people seemed to take a new partner weekly. I know one girl on her fourth partnership. But we truly enjoyed each others company and helping each other with problems(even though her problems were real and mine mostly contrived).
We actually came to really love each other. Love is such a rare thing in my life, well both our lives in the beginning, that I ate it up and never really wanted it to stop. Even though I knew, in my heart, that it would end a some point. That is the nature of Second Life.
Earlier this week she discovered me for the fraud I am. It hurt her tremendously and there is nothing I can do to fix it or make it hurt less.
Luckily she had met and married a wonderful woman who will take care of her the way I never could. A real relationship with a magnificent future ahead of it. I am extremely grateful for that. She has a path to happiness that will carry her through.
So what is next for me? I am not really totally sure. I am taking my lumps from people in SL and deservedly so. My first thought was to just run away but after 2 sleepless nights and constant thought about my SL future I have made some decisions.
I will stay in Second Life as a male and start over. I love the music and exploring so for now I will start my own healing by doing the things I enjoy and that do not require a lot of interaction with other people.
I will begin to make new friends and wean myself out of the lives of my present friends, at least the ones that are still talking to me. I think that; for them to try and transition from Night the woman to Night the man will be difficult and I do not want to put them through it.
I had considered doing an entire new Avatar but I like my Avatar name and it can be male or female so I will keep it and for those who recognize my change and want to express their feelings; I can take the criticism and deserve it.
I will miss the friends that I have made in SL, working for Relay For Life in Second Life, The Red River Saloon, DJ Annie Lanes Friday Night shows and Roller Derby with the Psycho Riot Bitches(although they have said if I get into my female avatar for games and practice I can continue to play. It's still up in the air).
To all my friends, especially those at Red River who are directly affected by my actions, I truly apologize. I will not ask for your forgiveness but in time I hope I can receive your understanding.
A confession has to be part of your new life~~~Ludwig Wittgenstein
I hope that is true.
Night
PS....The Blog will continue but at this point I have no idea what direction it will go. I will take the rest of the week away from it and start anew on Monday August 15.
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