I remember the moment well, the day I received those words from the doctor.
Words no one wants to hear.
"It is cancer.........You've got cancer".......My body abandoned me.....such devastating news..
The results were in and it was positive
I tried to let this get into my mind but I felt drugged.
This can't be happening, this is just a bad dream, a nightmare..
No, this is happening...this is real...
Look at your clothes, you put that on yourself this morning, remember?
Watch the time, you had a doctors appointment at this hour remember?
Wake the fuck up...
Will I be in terrible pain now?....Am I gonna die?, and....when?
Who is gonna look after my family....oh God, they can't take this...
And the cats....
I will go bald....I've seen it a thousand times at the clinic...
I will donate my hair, yes I gotta arrange that..
Tired.....yes, tiredness....I will feel like I am 100 years old soon.
My head is spinning, I can't deal with all this information at once....
Time should stop now, so I can give myself time to let this into my mind....
But the world doesn't stop spinning...no, it spins even faster now....
This can't be true...
"We need to act fast now, we need to get the cells out as soon as possible...
We need you to know that...do you understand that?"
"yabyabyab ...CT Scan.....yabyabyab PET Scan...yabbayabba"
It's as if I hear someone talking in the other room....but he sure sounds like my doctor...
The biopsy hurts, but fear and devastation still paralyzed my mind..
What's the use, I'm gonna die anyway...so why bother....hey.....
I started giving up.....this was just one blow too much...
I really can't take anymore...
Soon it will be spread through my lunges, my liver..my heart..
Chemotherapy ...oh shit....I will be sick...so sick...
No, I don't want that....vomiting all day....Jesus no....please
Slowly I'm starting to panic.....oh my God, what is happening..
I am sad and pissed all at the same time...
I did not write this quote. When I read it for the first, of many times, I started to really understand 'THAT DAY.' My Second Life partner, Thinkie Nicholls, wrote this and gave it to me one night in February of this year. Nearly two years after she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. She has had two bouts with the disease since this fateful day. Thankfully she is in remission now. But the fear never leaves her or her family. Or me. Every pain, every odd feeling and even a bout with flu; brings that fear to the fore front.
Just before the 2010 Relay started; I was sitting on top of Trader Whiplash's big cake early one morning. Not many people were around. Trader came and talked to me for awhile, out of the blue. I spilled my guts and he offered a shoulder. I know what Thinkie's family was going through because I was feeling the same. But not for one minute, until I read what Thinkie had written, had I realized what it was really like for her.
Thinkie will not take part in a lot of the Cure Chaser events this year. It is just to hard for her to constantly hear people talk about cancer. I truly understand that and after reading this I believe it is the correct decision for her. But in her desire to find a way to support us/me; she wrote this extremely personal piece for me. Then gave me permission to publish it.
Many of you see Thinkie and I dancing around Second Life every night, listening to music. I hold her a little closer and love her a lot more these days. She is my gift and I treasure that gift more than anyone will every know.
Night
Go Relay
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